If you are a long time member of our newsletter family you may remember this story from a long time ago. As it is tax time I thought we could all use another laugh; after all, misery does enjoy company! This is the story of Frank – an inexperienced Chili taster at a Texas Chili Cook-off.
Note: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, Frank’s reaction is even more hilarious!
Judge #3 (Frank) was visiting from Pennington, NJ. Before the chili cook-off Frank made the following statement. “Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the nearest beer establishment. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1 – Maggie’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato, amusing kick.
Judge #2 – Nice and smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) – Holy crap, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!!
Chili #2 – Andrea’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge #1 – Smoky with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 (Frank) – Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich. They had to rush in more beer wen they saw the look on my face!
Chili #3 – Harry’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili…
Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chili, great kick
Judge #2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 (Frank) – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routing by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting s*** faced from all the beer.
Chili #4 – Will’s Black Magic Chili…
Judge #1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice, disappointing.
Judge #2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 (Frank) – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look Hot… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating Is chili supposed to be an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 – Lia’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge #1 – Meaty and strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick, very impressive!
Judge #2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 (Frank) – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the their judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6 – Wendy’s Very Vegetarian Chili…
Judge #1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety of chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic, superb!
Judge #3 (Frank) – My intestines are now straight pipes filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclned to stand behind me except for Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!
Chili #7 – Pat’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge #1 – A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 (Frank) – You could put a grenade in my moth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the four inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 – Pete’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge #1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili’s. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
Judge #2 – This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili!
Judge #3 (Frank) – No report, paramedics had to chopper him out to the hospital.